Monday, June 28, 2010

The Moment I Knew...

I read a lot of writers and editors blogs. I belong to several writers groups online. I subscribe to writers magazines. I've been published in an anthology. My first devotional book was released in March. All that would seem to hint that I'm an author wouldn't it? Well, I haven't felt like one lately. I suffer with several chronic conditions, one of which is fibromyalgia. It's the one I despise the most. It takes the most from me. But, it helped me gain some recently.

Since we moved to North Carolina, for the most part, it's remained in remission. However, for the past two months, it's been raging on and off. Actually, more on than off. So my writing went into deep deep hiding. Did I mention deep? Actually a lot of things "went into hiding" but it was my lack of writing that really affected me.

I've read in so many places that "true" writers write because they have to, are compelled to. The only thing I felt compelled to do was nothing, absolutely nothing. I had no desire to write. That scared me. Was I a fraud? Was I not a true writer? Say it isn't so!

Okay, it isn't so. One day last week I took my personal laptop to work. During lunch I sat outside under a shade tree and opened up Word, hoping for something, anything. Tada! The words just flowed. I can't say I've written every day since then, but I've written more in the last week than in the past two months.

Honestly, after using all my energy to make it to work and back home, there's no way I could put together truly cohesive thoughts. I guess I could have tried, but honestly, it wasn't worth it to me. Am I still worried that I might not be a "real" writer?  Nope. My perspective has changed. When I'm in a fibro flare, if I can write, great. If I can't, that's fine too. I will not feel guilty because neither of those scenarios changes reality. The reality is that I am a writer. Period.

I felt truly energized when I wrote that one day at lunch. Every time I've written since then, I've felt energized. There are no forced words. They just leap on the page. I think that says it all for me. I've had my health imposed break. That's over. Now back to what I've been doing all my life, writing. That makes me happy.

Be blessed everyone!


Marsha said...

It is encouraging to read of your experience with writing, and of your engagement with the writing process. One suggestion that occurred to me as I read your first paragraph is to brush up on your possessives - you need apostrophes in "writers'" and "editors'" when you are referring to blogs written by (belonging to) writers and editors.

Congratulations on persevering in spite of illness and preconceptions of what a "real" writer should be!

Mari said...

Thanks for stopping by Marsha. You are right about the possessives. I'll work on that :)

Cioara Andrei said...

Foarte interesant subiectul deybatut de tine.M-am uitat pe blogul tau si imi place ce am vazut, cu siguranta am sa mai revin o zi buna!

Connie Arnold said...

I understand exactly what you mean, Mari, since I have fibro too. Sometimes recovering from a flare can bring fresh inspiration as better strength and lessened pain make you more appreciative and not so distracted. Hope you continue to write what you can whenever you can and be blessed!