Starting...Again

I've been on an unintended blogging break. What can I say? Life got really crazy. Crazy hard. I have a monthly commitment to another blog that I love writing for. It was all I could do to keep that commitment each month. I let a lot of things go to deal with life. But doing so was a mistake of sorts.


I lost myself. I gave up so much. Some of what I gave up were outlets for me to get stuff off my chest and out of my head. Don't get me wrong. I pray and offload TONS to the Lord. That won't ever change. But I don't always listen. I don't always wait for those important instructions, such a green light or a red light.


I don't believe I was meant to disconnect from everything. God never gave a red light to everything. That was my decision. What I forgot is that life is still gonna happen. I need to still have my little corner, my stuff that makes me, me. I have to be nurtured too or I won't be any good at nurturing others. What an important ministry lesson. I was slow on the uptake with that but I've got it now. That's what counts. 


So I'm reclaiming, reconnecting. Not everything at once mind you. And some things I may never reconnect to. I'll see what God has to say. For the few of you who may still be checking here to see if I'm ever going to so anything else with this space, the answer is yes. This blog is a green light.


I am going to change the content. I hope y'all will be okay with that. I think you will be :) Look for new posts to be begin regularly next week. I want to start back slow so expect a post once a week. Once I get my oldest and her friend who's been living with us this school year graduated from 12th grade (May 30 woot! woot!) I'll have more free time to post more frequently. I'm only going to promise what I can deliver :) So March 11 is the "comeback" date.


I've really missed my morning room. I can't wait to share with you again. Until then, Be Blessed!!!


Mari 

Hanging Out At.....

the Pearl Girls blog today. I'm a monthly contributor. That's very exciting for me. Look for me twice a month. Once I know dates I'll post them here. Meantime, enjoy today's post about the Patient Parent Recipe. Leave a comment please :) The stop by the blog again on September 28th for my next post.

Actually bookmark it and check everyday. There are some incredible contributors to this blog. Great nuggets of wisdom each day. Enjoy!!

Be Blessed,


Mari

Hanging Out At WOW Today

“You're not the boss of me” she said with a stomp of her tiny feet, a flick of her long brown hair and a defiant crossing of arms. 

I have to admit a smile crept across my face. She looked so stinking cute with her jaw set with determination.
...................

To read the rest, stop by WOW- Writing On The Word.  I'm hanging out there today :)

Be Blessed,


Mari

A Different Response

I received some disappointing news today. Something I viewed as a great writing opportunity was snatched away. Nope. Sorry. We don't think so. I could have argued to regain it. Indeed, part of me was making a list and checking it twice. That part didn't win today. I'm not bragging because I'm still smarting over this. I'm struggling to not be bitter and spout off about how I feel I've been wronged.

Instead, I'm choosing to let God have his way. This was not for me. I wanted it. I had it. But God said no. And though I don't know the reason why, I'll accept it. Instead of pouting, whining or being bitter about it, I am choosing instead to meditate on and live out these two verses:

"Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him." Psalm 37:7 (NIV)

and

"Why are you so downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God." Psalm 42:5-6 (NIV)


It's a more pleasant response. I'm waiting on God to do something else, something new. "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 3:13-14)


Be blessed!

Mari

It's A Big Day

July 6, 2012 is a very BIG day for my family. First, my baby girl turns sixteen. Sixteen y'all! I can hardly believe I've been loving and parenting this child for that long. Well, longer if you include the nine months I carried her. She and I have had our moments, good and bad. We make no bones about that. But no matter what, I love her fiercely because that's what us momma bears do.  

My time with her here under my daily care is quickly ending. It saddens me because I feel like there is so much more to do. I may never feel like she's ready go forth into the world. That is the peril of being a perfectionist Type-A momma bear :) I'm praying for wisdom for the two years I have before she's a college girl. And fun. Lord let there be some fun please. Amen. 

The other BIG thing that's happening is that we have another teenager moving in with us. Rick and I have agreed -- no we requested, that this young lady be allowed to come live with us. She needs a family to love on her and take care of her while she finishes her senior year of high school. She's a close friend of our oldest daughter. I'm tickled pink she's going to be staying with us. 

And even with that good feeling comes fear. It's a big deal to have THREE, count them, THREE teenage girls living in our house. God put it on our heart to do this. I know we're doing the right thing. Doesn't make it less scary though. I've sat and thought about how I've parented my own girls. Some things I think I did well. Others, not so much. I'm praying I do the right things over this next year. I'm counting on God to "make my paths straight" (Luke 3:4) 

Since He's the one that called us to do this, I'll be leaning heavily on Him to show me what to do and what to avoid. I've been doing that already but now with another life to pour into, I feel an even greater pressing need. I don't want my girls to ever feel neglected but I also know there are some specific things God has pressed upon in regards to my new "daughter". So I want to make sure there is balance and never any resentment.

I recall telling a friend, when she adopted a baby girl from China that I didn't think God would ever call me to add to our family like that. I mean really, her youngest was entering high school! And I was thinking to myself, "I'm struggling to parent the two I have. No way He'd ever ask me to take on more."

In her wisdom, she smiled at me and said "Stranger things have happened." Like agreeing to add a teenager to your house. This is why I regularly tell God he's a card. His sense of humor is so warped sometimes. But I like it anyway. So while He's getting a chuckle out of this, I know He'll be guiding me. 

I've chosen two verses for this new season based on two things:

 

1. I need God to do this
2. Anything good that comes from this is all God's doing. Rick and I just the instruments.

"Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this" Psalm 37:5 (NIV)

"If anyone ministers, let him do it as with the ability which God supplies, that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belong the glory dominion forever and ever. Amen" 1 Peter 4:11 (NKJV)

In parting, pray friends. Three hormonal teenage daughters and a "praying for menopause to show up any day now" momma bear.  That's all I'm saying :) Be blessed!

Mari

Prayer Request

The last two weeks I've been asking myself the question "Why is it that.....?" I've filled in the blank with a variety of things. I still don't fully have my answer but I'm starting to feel like it might be "Because life is just hard sometimes." Right now, I'm in that "sometimes".

This should be an exciting week in my life. I'm headed to my first writers' conference in almost three years. I should be excited. But instead I'm battling a defiant teen, overwhelm at work and a new flare-up of what I call my vicious three: fibromyalgia, plantar fasciitis and excessive stomach acid production. I know it's always a bit stressful before I have to travel. I don't do it often, but when I do, there's always a certain amount of stress. But this time? I would use the word overkill. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. it's hard to get mentally ready for this conference with all these distractions going on.

My husband says it's spiritual warfare. It might well be, because as soon as I made the last payment on the conference, everything went completely crazy. If it is spiritual warfare, then somehow I have to find more time to get armored up. It kind of tickles me, in between tears, sighs and groans, that the name of the conference is Writers Advance! Boot Camp. I guess it requires armor because I sure need it right now.

As I get ready to head up to The Cove, also known as the Billy Graham Training Center, would you pray for me? I need all the prayer warriors I can get. I leave early Friday morning and return Sunday evening. For those of you willing to be in prayer for me between now and then, I pray God's blessings for you and offer my sincerest gratitude. If my husband is right, then God must have something wonderful in store for me because everything sure does seem to be trying to prevent me from getting there.

Until next week when I can report on how things went.....Be Blessed!

Mari

Are You Listening?

Do you ever find that is you look directly at someone, you can hear them better? It's like your listening skills suddenly improve by just engaging another sense, sight. I thought about this early one morning recently. I had the song, "Listen" by Trin-i-tee 5:7 on my mind. I hadn't heard it recently or anything. But I was reflecting on how I was really hearing God recently. You know..the LOUD and CLEAR kind of hearing. That caused the song came to mind. And of course, because I am strange jumble, I started asking myself what listening meant to me. Why was my "listening" and  subsequently, "hearing" so much better?

It is because my other senses are fully engaged. I'm walking around with my eyes open, really looking for signs and hints. When you seek, you find.  I've been reading the word "looking" for what new thing God wants to show me about that book or verse I feel I know so well or not so well.

I'm also touching. This past year I haven't written much. Over the holidays I realized through a sort bout with a dark period that seemed like depression that I have to write. Writing is what God wired me to do. It's how I connect all the dots He's showing me. It's one way I connect to Him. I need it like air. So I'm touching pen or pencil to paper, fingers to keyboard and God's heart for others with my words.


And I'm speaking. I'm praying. I got away from that during the holidays. Rick's back went out so a lot more stuff fell on my plate to handle. I got so caught up in my own pity party of  "I'm so tired, no one appreciates me, life is so hard, " that I forgot to lean on the One who could sustain me, renew me and carry me through. I hate when I neglect our relationship. Trust me, God never neglects me, but I often Him. Now though, we're back to regular conversations. A girl couldn't be happier.  :)

Listening. Seems so one-dimensional when you say it. But when you do it, I mean really do it, it's very multi-dimensional. So much of you is involved. And it's a sweet experience, be it with God or another person. Being a motor mouth myself, I don't listen enough. But that's changing now. Being an extrovert, I crave interaction. Listening is interactive. Who knew? LOL

My final thought was this: You can't experience the beauty of the conversation or message if you don't hear it. Are you listening?

Be Blessed!


Mari

Light Under The House...and a Giveaway!!!

Today I'm featuring an interview with author Aaron L about his book Light Under The House. One of you lucky readers will win a copy of the book! Without further ado, meet Aaron!

What inspired you to write this story?
I feel very strongly about the breakdown of the family and fatherlessness and how there is much dysfunction and despair because of it. I wanted to tell a story to shed some light on the situations that many face and hopefully bring some type of reversal to the current dynamic in whatever small way I could. I wanted to challenge men, fathers especially, to be who they were created to be ... its certainly a challenge I face myself daily. A challenge that I often fail at but keeping picking myself up to start again.

Did you model any of the characters after people you know?
I used many things to model the characters ... people I know, other literary figures, actors, biblical characters, celebrities ... the characters are a combination of all of these. I wanted them to be new and familiar at the same time, universal.

Why did you choose the Dallas/Ft Worth area as your primary setting?
First of all, the south has a certain reputation for is deep spiritual roots (bible belt and all). I patterned the book in part after GONE WITH THE WIND (another book set in the south) ... not in the sense of a love story but in the sense of "here is civilization that is about to cease to exist, come see it before its gone". In the case of my novel it is a spiritual civilization on the brink. Dallas just seemed to have everything I needed to make the story work from both a symbolic and technical standpoint.

Do you have plans to write more books?
i have an idea or two floating around ... nothing concrete yet.

What sort of research did you do for the historical portions of your book? What did you like best about the research? The least?
My co-author and I researched deeply into ancient history for some aspects of the book ... I learned a lot of things ... some things I'd rather forget but most of it was enlightening. What I liked best was that it confirmed for me mostly what I already knew, there really is nothing new under the sun.

Where can we find out about more opportunities for a free copy of this book? 
Follow @ChristianSpkrs on Twitter. You can purchase the book through Amazon at http://www.amazon.com/Light-Under-the-House-ebook/dp/B0060C2O92.

 I was given a complimentary copy of this book from the author in exchange for posting the author’s interview on my blog. This blog tour is managed by Christian Speakers Services (http://ChristianSpeakersServices.com).

NOW FOR THE TREAT: One lucky reader will win a copy of Light Under The House. All you need to do to enter is leave a comment with your email address. Winner will be announced on Friday January 20, 2012. 

Whew I know I am late but  the winner of the book is Robin Porter! Congrats Robin! 

The Crud

Y'all, I have the crud. I can't breathe through my nose right now. My throat hurts from breathing through my mouth so much. And I keep sneezing when the Kleenex are in the other room and I have no more with me. I feel horrible. I despise being sick!  And guess what? In the midst of this illness, God had a little message for me. It involved crud too. Oh joy!

Micah 6:8 has been following me around for the last couple of weeks, even in songs (see video below). Last night while I was drinking my tea, I decided to start at Micah 6:1 and read to 6:8. I just had to know the "whole story". I had to see what God was trying to show me in Micah 6:8. In chapter 6 The Lord begins to make his case against Israel. He asked the people what He had done to them. How had He burdened them? (v3) Then He asked them to remember all He had done for them. He wrapped up with asking how they thought they should worship and honor Him. it wasn't with burnt offerings, calves, rams, oil or a firstborn (v4-7). No, none of those thing would do. Why? Because they do not involve true engagement with God. They don't involve the heart.What really struck me in the New King James version was the way God kept saying "O my people". I could just feel His sorrow, His pleading with His people, with me.

So in verse 8, it says, "He has shown you, O man, what is good; And what does the Lord require of you but to do justly, to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God?." As I read and re-read those eight verses, it struck me that I'm as ungrateful and forgetful as the Israelites. No matter how much God does for me, I always want more or something different. No matter how faithful and consistent, I worry about everything. It really settled in that the same crud the Israelites had in their heart, sits in mine as well.

Just like I'm fighting the crud invading my body right now, making me feel like one big congested nose, I'm fighting the crud in my heart. God clearly wants my devotion to Him, not just to what He does. I don't always give that. But I should. He deserves that and more.

It boils down to this. Even in our trials, those we cause and those that seem to simply befall us, we learn something about God and about ourselves. Whether we choose to act on that information determines the course of our life. I learned something and I plan to act on it. I want the course of my life determined by devotion, honor and obedience to God. How about you?



Be blessed,

Mari

Unwanted Party Guests

I can't remember if I told you that I have fibromyalgia. Part of the reason I can't remember is probably due to fibro fog (think an episode of being forgetful and slightly ditsy).  Fibromyalgia has a lot of associated symptoms. I don't care for any of them.

Right now mine is out of remission. I know that's a word that associated with cancer but it fits here too. Mine doesn't flare up everyday. Sometimes I go for long stretches without issues. But for the last 3 weeks, my body has been host to unwanted party guests. Pain, fatigue and forgetfulness stop by and throw a party in my body without my permission. Sometimes they bring other "friends" along like GI issues, lack of depth perception, sleeplessness, sleepiness, etc. Sometimes it's a short-lived party. Other times it's like those weeks long fests you read about in the Bible.

I could focus on the really horrible parts of this condition. And sometimes I do because it can wear you down and completely out, literally. It's hard to tell your husband to not hug you today because every part of you hurts. It's frustrating to ask your teenager the same question 6 times because you really can't recall what she just said 45 seconds ago. I could go on but I think you get the picture. I could go there on a hourly basis. But this time around, I'm choosing not to.

I am trying to focus on the joy in it. Yes, I said joy. Every unpleasant situation doesn't have to just be unpleasant and difficult. We can choose to see something good in it. For instance, because I sometimes can't sleep, it allows me to read more good books or write. When I feel the extreme exhaustion coming on, I delegate unfinished tasks or just let it be. That's freedom right there. When I'm hurting I know I have to find other ways to allow my family to connect physically with me. Maybe they can't hug me but they can hold my hand or gently touch my knee. The point is that we have come together to come up with a solution.  I don't know how I'm going to feel from one day to the next, so I focus on the most important stuff and leave the rest. It helps me see what my real priorities are. That's priceless, no?

I'm reminded of Paul. He asked God several times to take the thorn from his flesh. (sometimes I wonder if it was fibromyalgia, because it is definitely a thorn in the flesh) God's answer was "My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9). In my own life that's God saying, "Mari, you will depend on Me. You will know that your energy, strength, your everything comes only from Me. I will supply what you need in the face of fibromyalgia and the other medical conditions that accompany it. You will glorify me in your weakened state." He's right. I'd overdo it, over think it and sometimes overlook His hand in my life. But this condition, this horrible situation grounds me in Him. It builds and strengthens my trust in Him. So I say bring it! I will rejoice in it. I will find joy in it. And God's great name will be glorified through it.

Be blessed,

Mari

Turn It Around Tuesday: It's Only Temporary

It's November. When I was living in Chicago that meant 40 or lower degrees and possibly snow. In North Carolina, where we live now, it's 76 degrees. A girl could get used to this. But. You knew that was coming didn't you? This Indian Summer is temporary. Thursday the high will be 55. Sigh!

A little while ago I wrote something that reminds me of how things are temporary. Warning: this is raw and unedited. Be gentle with me :)

Even though there are dark clouds above, notice that they are moving. They are not here to stay. There is hope of blue sky and sun to come. The wind has uprooted some trash cans and recycle bins, scattering their contents about. But this too is a temporary situation since a clean up crew or resident will return the trash to its rightful place. Even the bits of trash cannot take away from the beauty of new life seen all around. The trees are displaying their new buds in an array of colors, reminiscent of fall. Even those that are bare seem expectant, standing next to their budding counterparts. Though not perfect, what I see is still beautiful because it screams hope.The temporary blighted scene cannot detract from the hope of the beautiful scene that will soon emerge. I can hardly wait.

Hope. When things are going bad, remember they are only temporary. There is hope in a change. When you can't seem to get it right, remember it is only temporary. Situations and circumstances are temporary. They ebb and flow. They change. Temporary. Sometimes we like the change. Sometimes we don't. Either way, we know at some point, change is coming. That's hope life works.

But there is one thing we can count on to be permanent and full of hope. God.

"For I am the LORD, I do not change; Therefore you are not consumed, O sons of Jacob." (Malachi 3:6 NKJV)

"And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him." (1 John 4:16 NKJV)

"For His merciful kindness is great toward us, And the truth of the LORD endures forever" (Psalm 117:2 NKJV)

I could go on and on. But it all begins and ends with this fact. Life here on earth is full of the temporary. Our souls long for permanency. The only way to satisfy that longing is to fill it with the best. And the best is God. If you don't know Him, have a relationship with Him or seek Him daily, start today.

Blessings to you all,

Mari

Frank Friday - I'm Off Duty

If you had ever asked my daughters what my husband says when I ask him how he liked dinner, they'll tell you that he  always says "It was alright." That's it. No "it stank" or "it was good" or anything like that. He just says, "It was alright." Honestly, it offended me. So did I try to probe him to see how it could be better? Of course not. That would be the mature, logical thing to do. And I was never feeling that kind of way. In fact, I'll go even further than that. When he would offer constructive criticism, I got mad. I never listened so I could incorporate the things he was telling me. Oh no! Again, that would require maturity, logic and humility. And again, I was never feeling that kind of way. (Not that I'm proud of that. I'm not. I'm just being honest about my junk)

But then......

If you read this post, you'll know I'm committed to deepening my relationship with God. I just need more of His presence in my life. See the previous paragraph for an example of why that's true. There's a teeny, tiny catch to that commitment. Okay, maybe it's not so teeny or tiny. The more of God's presence I feel in my life, the more it changes me.  That transforming presence made me care more about my husband's meals. That's a big deal because my husband is picky. Very, very picky. When he says "I'm hard to cook for aren't I?" I don't bother to respond. It's a rhetorical question!

Despite that, I started to really take my time cooking everything instead of rushing through dinner just so I could say I was done. I started paying attention to those little details. You know, the ones he had tried to tell me about a million times. The ones I ignored a million and one times. But I wasn't doing that anymore. Then a funny thing happened. Well two funny things. One, I enjoyed cooking more. Maybe it's because I was doing it out of love instead of duty. Just maybe. The second thing, that is now a common occurrence, is that he complimented me. He said, "Are you cooking my meals with lots of love? I'm asking because this food is so very good." I almost passed out.

I figured it was a one time "slip up". But the next day he said "That was great. Thanks for cooking.  Do you want me to help with dishes?" Again, I thought the room might be spinning. It wasn't. It was just my head and heart realizing that I should have done this much sooner. I can't change the past, but I can sure keep the present in good shape.

I'm now evaluating other things that over time, I've started doing with only a sense of duty. I want to replace that with loving purpose. My family is not a duty. It's a privilege. And I plan on treating them that way in every area I possibly can. I wonder if they'll start thinking the room is spinning?

How about you? Is there something you've started doing just to check it off your list? Is there something that you could do from the love in your heart instead of out of duty? Go ahead, go off duty. I dare you.



Blessings to you all,

Mari

Turn It Around Tuesday - When The Rain Is Pouring

These last few weeks have been quite a ride. Unfortunately, I don't mean that in a fun, exhilarating way. First, my cousin had a stroke and now has paralysis on the right side of his body. Last week my uncle had a stroke. Yesterday my mom called to tell me that one of my cousins was killed. A bullet came through the window, striking and killing him. There are other smaller things that have occurred but nothing like the "big three". I almost cringe when the caller ID announces it's my mom, because I'm dreading more bad news.

This torrent of discouraging news could have shaken my faith. I could have gotten angry with God. I could have thrown up my hands and said, "That's it. I'm tired of this. I quit!" I've been tempted to do that a time or two or thirty in my life. But this time I wasn't there. That wasn't in me. (Right here is where we can give God a clap offering!) Are you wondering why it wasn't in me? Great, because I'm going to tell you why.

I've accepted a church-wide challenge from my pastor to "practice God's presence" at least five minutes every day. In other words, sit in stillness and quiet for at least five minutes thinking on, waiting for and anticipating God's presence and hopefully at some of these sessions, a message from God. This isn't a new concept for me. The problem is that I've never consistently done it. But now I am determined. Why now? Now, because I am desperate to grow closer to God. Now, because it's just time to further solidify my relationship with Jesus.

I read something recently by C.S.Lewis that said we need to become dyed and not painted. I'm afraid all these years I've been painted. Paint fades, chips and peels. That's how I've felt recently. Temporary is no longer good enough. I want permanency. So I'm ready for my dye job. Ever dyed your hair? The dye has to sit for a good little while to actually "take". So I'm going to sit each day for God's presence to "take" in my life. I'm excited about that.

So when that rain came pouring down in the form of bad news after bad news, issue after issue, there was God. In my time of quiet and even throughout my busy days, He spoke two things to me.

1. I'm still in control. You might not understand what I'm doing. And I know that frustrates you. But trust me. I've always been in control. I'm in control now. I'll be in control in the future. That's never going to change. Let me be me and you simply trust me. I'll never fail you. Never.
2. Your days were numbered before you were born. I know the day I will call you home heaven. You don't know if that day will come now or ten years from now. Consider each day a gift from me. Unwrap it and choose how you will use it.

Psalm 90:12 says, "So teach us to number our days, That we may gain a heart of wisdom."  That is my prayer each day now. Instead of turning my thoughts to worry and anger over problems, issues, situations and circumstances, I now chose to turn my thoughts to God and how what He's doing can teach my something. Yes, even the things I don't like. Even the things that hurt. Especially the things I don't understand. I'm not perfect with it yet. Never will be. But I choose to keep practicing His presence and His way of life for me. Will you join me? I promise it will change your life in the most marvelous way!

Blessings to you all,

Mari

FIRST Tour: Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken

It is time for a FIRST Wild Card Tour book review! If you wish to join the FIRST blog alliance, just click the button. We are a group of reviewers who tour Christian books. A Wild Card post includes a brief bio of the author and a full chapter from each book toured. The reason it is called a FIRST Wild Card Tour is that you never know if the book will be fiction, non~fiction, for young, or for old...or for somewhere in between! Enjoy your free peek into the book!

You never know when I might play a wild card on you!

Today's Wild Card author is:

Cindy Beall

and the book:

Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken: Finding Forgiveness and Restoration

Harvest House Publishers (August 1, 2011)

***Special thanks to Catherine Miller, Marketing Assistant, Harvest House Publishers for sending me a review copy.***

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

Cindy Beall is a writer, speaker, and a mentor to women. She and her husband, Chris, speak openly about their difficult journey through Chris’ infidelity and pornography addiction that nearly destroyed their marriage and ministry. Through God’s grace they have inspired thousands of couples and have returned to full-time ministry where Chris serves as the Oklahoma City Campus Pastor at LifeChurch.tv.

Visit the author's website.

SHORT BOOK DESCRIPTION:

Life changed forever for Cindy Beall when her husband, a respected pastor, confessed to pornography addiction and numerous affairs. Through her remarkable story and with biblical, practical insight, Cindy helps husbands and wives grieve, heal, as they trust God’s power to resurrect something new out of the debris of betrayal.

Foreword by Craig Groeschel, bestselling author and senior pastor of LifeChurch.tv.

Product Details:

List Price: $12.99
Paperback: 208 pages
Publisher: Harvest House Publishers (August 1, 2011)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0736943153
ISBN-13: 978-0736943154

AND NOW...THE FIRST CHAPTER:

When the Walls Come Tumbling Down

You never forget the day that changes your life forever. The day that turns your heart and your family upside down. But when that day begins, you don’t realize it’s anything out of the ordinary.

It was February 19, 2002, and my husband of nine years, Chris, and I were just getting settled into our new home in Edmond, Oklahoma. He had come out six weeks earlier on his own to begin his ministry with LifeChurch.tv as the worship pastor of the Edmond Campus. I had stayed behind in Memphis to wrap up the sale of our home there. But now we and our almost three-year-old son, Noah, were happily back together under one roof.

On this morning, while Chris was at the church, I was doing the usual stuff that nesters do. I unpacked boxes, fought with bubble wrap, and put away our belongings in the kitchen, the bathrooms, and the rest of the house. I was enjoying the process and thought how good it was to prepare our new home for this new life we had prayed about so fervently.

And then Chris came home unexpectedly at 9:30.

I was about to ask why he was back from work so soon, but the worried expression on his face stopped me from saying anything. He asked if we could talk. The request sounded so formal and distant that my heart raced as I quickly and silently got Noah settled in front of our TV with a Blue’s Clues video and inched my way along a narrow path around stacks of boxes and toward Chris. My mind was spinning in anticipation of what might come out of his mouth.

Had one of our parents died or been in an accident? Had the church changed their mind about adding Chris to the staff?

Chris motioned me to the newly purchased sofa, and we sat down together. I tried to look into his handsome green eyes for reassurance. But those amazing, clear eyes that had captivated me the day we met years before were now downcast. I waited for him to reassure me that all was well in this new life. But instead of words of comfort, the man I had prayed for as a young woman, long before I knew him, was about to share news that would alter the course of our lives in unimaginable ways.


The Prayers of a Young Woman

I first prayed for my future husband while I was serving as a summer missionary on a Native American reservation in Wyoming. Although this ministry experience would become one of the best challenges and inspirations in my life and faith journey, the day I had to say goodbye to my mom at the Austin, Texas, airport was an unhappy one. The cute denim jumper with the cheery sailor collar I wore did little to dress up my sadness at having to leave her and my home to be 1200 miles away for 11 weeks. It felt like a world and a lifetime apart.

The first couple of weeks proved to be difficult. My tear-stained cheeks initially put a damper on the adventure. But eventually I understood that I needed this time to grow up and learn to rely on God.

And I did.

I learned a lot about the woman I would become. I not only learned to lean on God but also discovered that I had a voice and something to say and something worth sharing. I learned that not all things make sense when you follow Christ. And I realized it’s okay to not have an answer for everything. In fact, it’s actually more authentic and appealing when you don’t.

In the midst of my time of learning about God, about others, and most definitely about myself, I had a longing in my heart for true love. The kind of love that would lead me to say to someone special, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” And I wasn’t the type of girl who had to have a boyfriend on her arm at all times. For one thing, I was taller than most guys my age. This is hardly an asset for a young girl’s dating potential. I also possessed an independent spirit, and I liked the freedom I was experiencing during this stage of life.

Still, this longing for true love grew. I would be turning 21 soon, and although there isn’t a guideline or time frame that says young women should fall in love by this age, I definitely wouldn’t have pushed the opportunity away. If       it was the right guy, you understand. My right guy.

One particular July night during that summer mission, I stared out at the beautiful mountains bathed in sunset’s glow and began praying for others and for my future husband. At that moment, the idea popped into my head—thank You, Holy Spirit—that maybe I should pray for my husband’s salvation. So I did.

I prayed that my future husband would have the character, personality, talents, passions, and even the looks that matched up with the list I made about the man of my dreams. I didn’t think I was asking for much. Just the moon, the stars, and everything in between. Why not, right?

I first saw Chris Beall at a barn dance in November 1991. We couldn’t take our eyes off each other. He wasn’t the best dresser, nor did he have a model-perfect smile, but he held my gaze with those intoxicating green eyes. I was smitten almost immediately.

Almost.

It would be a few more months before anything actually began between us. He started frequenting the Baptist Student Union on our campus for our Wednesday lunches. Within a few weeks, at one of those lunches, he asked me for a dinner date the following Monday. I didn’t have to agonize with anticipation for five days. Instead, he came to my church on Sunday and invited me out to lunch with a group of friends. There was so much excitement and “I can’t believe this is really happening” in the air that by Sunday evening, we found ourselves sitting on the balcony of my apartment eating mint chocolate chip ice cream and talking about life, family, and mostly about Jesus. And I found out something special about Chris that evening: He’d been a Christ follower for less than a year, and the date that he gave his life to Christ was July 7, 1991—the summer that the Holy Spirit led me to pray for my future husband’s salvation.

Big sigh.

I knew with every part of my being that Chris Beall was the one for me. I knew it beyond a shadow of a doubt. I knew it in my knower and felt it in my feeler. But what I didn’t know was that the very next day he made a down payment on my wedding ring.

Ten months later, on January 9, 1993, we became husband and wife.

We were so madly in love with Jesus and each other that we were certain we’d conquer it all. We never would have guessed that the road we’d travel together over the course of our marriage would be anything but bliss.

Love was completely blind in our case. It’s a good thing, because little did I know that around year nine, we’d get our sight back.


Confession

I sat down next to Chris on our new couch, and as he began speaking, my throat went dry and my eyes stung with hot tears. Even though shock was making it hard for my mind to make sense of the words and phrases and sentences, my heart and soul took it all in with great sorrow. Chris wasn’t communicating the news that someone we loved was hurt. He was confessing that he, the person I loved most in the world, had hurt and betrayed me in the deepest way.

Chris had been unfaithful.

I was now trembling head to foot as my mind continued to spin with disbelief. I felt nauseous as the confession continued. He had been unfaithful with more than one woman. In fact, he had been with many women in many different places over the course of the past two and a half years.

While I listened, the very real physical pain of a heart breaking took me by surprise. And as I struggled to keep breathing, Chris forced himself to speak the last part of his confession through trembling lips: One of the women was pregnant, and he was pretty sure the baby was his child.

He kept his eyes on me. He didn’t look away for a minute, even when my face clearly changed. His eyes were tender, and I could tell he was devastated by watching me. He didn’t reach out for me right away. He seemed to be in shock that he was actually confessing. Then, as the reality set in of what his news was doing to my heart, he began to cry.

Many angry thoughts could have rushed through my mind at that point, but the unfathomable absurdity of this surreal, frozen moment in time triggered one thought over and over, “You have got to be kidding me!”

He was definitely not kidding.

He sat there just waiting for me to respond. I was stunned and couldn’t make sense of what had just happened. I sifted through emotions and terms for emotions. It was none of them specifically and all of them collectively. Bewildered. Stunned. Shocked. Overwhelmed. Befuddled. Floored. Jolted. Nauseated. Sickened. Disturbed. Crushed. Dismayed. Paralyzed.

Ticked off. And that’s putting it nicely.

The truth is that I still can’t tell you to this day how I felt in those first few moments. What I can tell you is that I was keenly aware that my world as I knew it was forever changed. I woke up that morning a relatively comfortable housewife and stay-at-home mom, and within a couple of hours I became a seriously damaged woman with a marriage on the brink of destruction.

We had both made vows to forsake all others for the rest of our lives. I had kept my vow. He had not. Even when the distance between us grew, I kept mine. He had not. Even when other men showed interest in me, I kept mine. He had not. Even when days came where I didn’t even want to spend time with him, I kept mine. He had not.


When the Walls Fall Down

I was deeply wounded by the truth about the lies that poured from my loved one that morning. I ached not only for me but also for the new church that had hired and embraced Chris. For our son. For our families. For our friends. As the walls of the life we had built came tumbling down, hard realization after hard realization, I felt them crush the foundations of our shared life and the dreams of this new chapter we were entering.

Can you relate to that kind of letdown? Destruction? Betrayal? When the walls have fallen down with such force that you could not breathe beneath the pressure of the debris or see beyond the dust of the rubble?

My spirit was broken that morning. My heart was shattered. Thoughts of moving forward in life or taking positive action would have sounded absurd had anyone been there to suggest them. I could barely conceive of moving my body from that place on the couch. In fact, the only reason I was able to stand up and move was that the impulse to step away from Chris was so strong. I wanted to be as removed from him physically as I felt from him emotionally in that moment. I had never, ever felt so alone.

If you are feeling alone, know that I am here to journey with you, and so is God. He already desires to make you whole, even as the pieces of your known existence seem to be scattered to every corner of the universe. If the walls have tumbled and you cannot recognize truth from lies in the remains, know that God’s grace and power to transform your life are right there in the midst of the debris.

Hold on to your belief in redemption.

I kept mine. Please keep yours as we walk together toward healing.


Your Healing Journey

Has your spouse ever caught you off guard with a heartbreaking confession? If so, what was your initial response?

Have you ever had to make a confession that you knew would break your loved one’s heart? What finally helped you break your cycle of lies?

Have you ever received news that altered your life in a dramatic way? What was it, and how did you handle it? If you are able, take yourself back there mentally and allow God to bring healing as you grieve what you lost and as you journey through this book.

What happens when we bottle up our emotions and choose not to deal with them? Do you know people who do this ? Has this been you? How can you become more able to share or express your emotions?

Discuss ways you can remain committed to your marriage even when you don’t feel like it or when circumstances have caused a lack of connection between you and your spouse.

*****
There were many things I liked about this book. First, it did not try to make it seem like, after infidelity or other reason for broken trust, that things would just miraculously be better. Cindy (and her husband) were very transparent, which is critical when dealing with such a volatile and life-changing topic.

I also appreciated the stories from other couples. These weren't people in the spotlight like Cindy and her husband, which added that much more reality and "hitting home".

Even though Cindy's story was about infidelity, the process she went through could be the same when trust is broken in other ways. It can also be applicable to other relationships where trust can be broken such as a parent/child relationship or a friendship. It's truly a practical book

Hanging Out at Go Ask Mom

I'm hanging out at WRAL.com today at the Go Ask Mom blog :)

Stop by and visit: http://www.wral.com/lifestyles/goaskmom/blogpost/9896559/

For This Season

For this season in my life...this is my song. Thank you Father for the ministry of song! Enjoy!

Guest Post: Margaret (Peggy) Fieland

Hi all! Today we are welcoming guest blogger Margaret Fieland to the blog. Margaret, or Peggy as I call her, was born and raised  in New York City. She is the daughter  of a painter, the mother of three grown sons and an accomplished flute and piccolo player. She is an avid science fiction fan, and selected Robert A. Heinlein's “Farmer in the Sky” for her tenth birthday, now long past. She lives in the suburbs west of Boston, MA with her partner and seven dogs.

Today we are going to get a lesson in creating characters. Enjoy!!

Creating Characters

I'm a way back sci fi fan, but until I started planning "Relocated " last fall, I'd never written any, so partly to get myself past my "sci fi" block, I decided to write a sci fi novel for 2010 NANO.

In my YA sci fi, "Relocated," the main character, 14 year old Raketh (Keth) Frey is an Aleyni/human mix. Aleynis are dark skinned, gray eyed, aliens with psi abilities. In the Terran Federation, use of psi is illegal, and relations between the Aleyni and the Terran Federation are strained at best.

Why dark skin? Well, I wanted my aliens to look distinctive, and I liked the idea of casting against type and making the dark skinned guys the good guys. Plus that's just how they looked in my head.

I started thinking about the Aleyni and their society long before I decided to write the book. The Aleyni had the ability to mind speak and could tell truth from lies. Their society worked on the basis of shared responsibility rather than laws and procedures. Relationships usually involved four persons, rather than two, and two was considered unstable. The relationships involved a fair amount of same-sex interaction.

I've recently completed the second book in the series, in which Keth is four years older. I hadn't yet sent out the first book, so I was able to make a couple of tweaks to make the two hang together.

I did recently discover a pretty cool piece of writing software, character writer. Among other things, it generates descriptions based on enneagrams .It's expensive (otherwise I'd buy it), but I did download the free version and have found it useful. The descriptions are a starting point for me.

I did more up-front work on my characters (the new ones especially), character arc, plot points, and the like for the second book, and I found it helpful. One of the results was a first chapter in the second book that I really like.

One thing that happens for me is that as I write, my characters and their motivations become clearer. For example, in the second book, one of the characters, Brad, is involved with Keth's grandfather, Ardaval. Ardaval has to ask a favor of Imarin, one of three rolor'in who left him.

As far as labels can translate in a sci fi novel or anywhere else for that matter, in my head Brad is gay, Ardaval and Imarin are bisexual, as is Nidrani, the remaining woman from Arda's original foursome (the other woman died). At the end Arda, Brad, Imarin and Nidrani end up together.

Everyone's process is different. While I now do far more pre-planning, laying out of plot points and generating character descriptions than I ever used to, at bottom, I'm a "discover as you go" kind of writer, in that my characters and their motivations, and a great deal of the finer points of the plot, reveals itself to me as I write.

I've written a good bit of story about the secondary characters, pretty much all in third person -- the book itself is in first, from Keth's point of view. I've written about 5000 words of Brad's story, words that may very well never see the light of day, and are not intended to be part of the book. I could claim I do it to discover my characters, but in actuality I simply enjoy it, and sometimes it's the only way to reclaim some of the real estate in my head.

Keth's father, Gavin, is Ardaval's son by a Terran woman. One of the points in the first book that had bothered me was whether or not Ardaval had been involved in a relationship when Gavin showed up at his door (Gavin was about 18 at the time). This takes place before the action of the first book, and rates a couple of sentences in chapter two of the first book.

When I started writing the second book I ended up creating Imarin and Nidrani and in the process, answered this question. I went back and inserted a line or two about Ardaval's partners having left him (rather than died), in the first book, but otherwise they're not mentioned.

At the end of the second book, Ardaval, Imarin, Nidrani, and Brad end up together. When I wrote about the first night the four spend together (NOT for the book), I discovered much to my surprise, that Brad did end up responding to Nidrani. I went back and rewrote a couple of sentences in the book as a result.

Margaret Fieland lives and writes in the suburbs west of Boston. You can visit her website and blog, http://www.margaretfieland.com/

To hear from another great writer, stop by Robert Medak's blog tomorrow and meet Kathy Stemke. You won't be disappointed!

Wrestling Match

Have no fear. I'm not going to be discussing WWE or WWF or whatever wrestling "organizations" exist these days. Although, there was a time eons ago that I used to watch "professional" wrestling with my mom. Not sure why she was into that, or why I got into it, but we bonded over many a Von Erich match. Don't judge.

Anywho......

This weekend I spent some time wrestling with God. You see, there are some things in my life that are not as I would like. There were some things that happened last week that I'd really wish hadn't. There are some plans I had for the summer that God effectively shut the door on. Let me just tell you, one of them really broke my heart. I can almost feel the physical pain. Did I mention that it really broke my heart?  It did. And so, I got a little down. Okay, a lot down.

My husband has a knack for knowing when I'm wrestling with God. On Sunday he asked if I was having a "want to cry about it day". Why, yes, yes I am I responded. He thought laying down and resting might cure me. As much as I appreciate his efforts to help and console me, I knew that wasn't the solution. I needed to go to the source. And that meant a wrestling match.


I went over to my footstool, plopped my pillow on it and started to pray. And cry. See, this is nothing like professional wrestling. This is the "get down on your knees and beg God to help you be content" kind of wrestling. It's the "ask God why you can never seem to maintain your joy" kind of fight. This is the "asking God why he can't won't show you the "better plan" He has so at least you can feel better" kind of wrestling. It is the "list everything you see wrong with your life at this valley moment" kind of fight.

This, my friends, is what faith is about. It is following God no matter what. Even when we don't want to. Even when it doesn't make sense. Even when we feel justified in being a Jonah. Even when we're mad at God.


Even then, we go to Him. Because only He can make sense of it. Only He can help us walk through it even when it doesn't make sense. Make no mistake. It's not easy. That's the part I often struggle with. I want it to be simple to follow and trust. I want it to be easy to be content. It's not. At least not for me. I know I am tremendously blessed. There are so many things for which I am grateful. But contentment and complete trust in God is still not easy for me. But at the end of the day, as I lay my head on my pillow, I know that God is ready for our next wrestling match. And I think that's a good thing. Because when I stop wrestling with Him, it means I've given up and walked away from my faith. And that will never do. I'd rather wrestle like Jacob did  (Genesis 32:22-32) and walk away with a limp. At least I'll still be walking with God.

Amen?


How about you? Have you ever wrestled with God? Tell me about it.




As always, blessings to you!

Mari

Makeover - After Shot

Stop by WRAL.com's Go Ask Mom blog to see the final product of my makeover. Then pop back over here and let me know what you think :) Enjoy!

Makeover - Before Shot and Interview

I recently received a makeover courtesy of  the WRAL.com Go Ask Mom Blog. My before interview with the editor, Sarah Hall is up on the blog. Stop by and watch. Tomorrow, the after shot will be posted. Be sure to also stop by later in the week if you are local to me and enter for a chance to win your own makeover.